And you’d be standing in my front porch light
And I knew you’d come back to me.”
(listen here )
Elisa
Is it too much to ask a love that would last? Would it be inhumane to hope for a relationship without heartaches? Can I just have someone to love without the countless episodes of being wanted and unwanted? Would it be possible to have that?
“You did what?” I almost spew out the milk that I was drinking when Dom raised his voice. The students sitting around us turned their heads to look at our table.
Lowering my head to avoid other people’s gaze, I took a bite at my lunch. Who would have thought that cafeteria food would be interesting today?
“Elisabeth Monroe, you just did not,” Dom threatened as he took my lunch tray away from me. “You did not get back together after what he did. Tell me I’m wrong, Elisa?”
I stared at him to surrender. He rolled his eyes and shook his head in disapproval. A small giggle escaped my lips for the way he reacted. I was about to reach back for my lunch tray when he swatted my hand. It was my turn to glare at him.
“Don’t act like I’m the only one doing something wrong here,” I countered and snatched the tray away from him. “Besides, he promised me he’s going to prom with me. At least one of us has a date.”
If only looks can kill, I’ll probably be dead right now from Dominique’s glares. I stuck out my tongue to mock him even more. This was the best thing about our friendship. We could be the meanest person to each other, but in the end we both know that we always have our own backs.
He was about to spat threats to me again when I spotted someone pass by the cafeteria window. He was wearing his signature brown leather jacket that could really make him stand out from the rest of the boys.
Walking past the basketball team, I noticed everyone staring at him. It has been months since that rumor spread but it looked like people don’t want to forget about it.
“I have to go,” I said to Dominique that was now busy munching a French fry. Hanging my white backpack on my right shoulder, my ears were glued to him.
And as I got out of the cafeteria I called out his name, “James!”
The students that were on the hallway turned to look at me and began to talk to each other with hushed tones. But despite that, I already knew what they were talking about. I was already expecting it when I got back with him.
What kind of girl would get back with her boyfriend after he cheated on her? What kind of girl forgives her lover after he slept with another girl? What kind of girl would allow a boy to use her like a piece of clothing that he can use and throw afterwards?
Those were probably what they were saying right now, but I don’t know why I don’t even care. It was like I was confident about having James because I knew that he would always come back to me, that he would always end up loving me.
I just felt it.
high school prom 1989
“You look pretty!” I jumped when I heard Dominique yelled. I turned around and saw him enter the school’s gymnasium. Behind him was a large neon sign that said, “Prom 1989”
He was wearing a classic black tuxedo and this was the first time that I’ve seen his hair brushed-up. It was a good look, to be very honest.
I was about to give him a compliment when I saw a boy rushing towards us. He was wearing a maroon-colored tuxedo and a warm smile everybody loves. No wonder most of the girls and Dominique fell head over heels for him.
“I’m sorry to keep you waiting. Just need to say hi to the team,” he said as he pointed at the jocks taking pictures near the entrance. “Anyway, looking good tonight, Monroe!”
“Thank you, Kristian,” I laughed as he started applauding to what I am wearing. I gave them a twirl and exposed the back part of the gown. This was the first time that I was wearing something that showed a huge part of my skin. I wasn’t comfortable at first but after walking around with my bared back I got used to it somehow.
I knew Kristian because of Dom’s unrequited love for him. I just wish that he could finally confess and tell him the truth without thinking what would happen after. I just wanted him to be honest with him.
We were about to go to our table when my phone buzzed. James’s name flashed on the screen and I hurriedly checked his message. The program was about to start and it was odd that he still wasn’t here. Having Dominique and Kristian with me made me feel like fate was giving me karma for what I’ve said to my best friend in the cafeteria.
‘sorry, im going to be late. something came up. i’ll be there asap’ his message said.
Even though my favorite song of Cyndi Lauper was booming out the stereo, I couldn’t stop myself from frowning. James promised that he would be here the entire program then he sends me this?
“C’mon, Dom. Let’s dance!” I heard Kristian yelled when a new song started to play. He looked at me and gestured that I should join in.
I roamed my eyes around the gym before I joined them. Looking around, I was hoping that I would spot James running towards me. He would run to me and kiss me in the sea of people, and after that he would apologize for being so insensitive, that he would ask me for another chance to prove that forgiving him was the right thing to do.
But I saw nothing but neon lights shaped in palm trees and the spinning strobe lights, reflecting from the mirrorball at the center of the dance floor.
Brushing off my disappointment, I stood up from our table and followed Dom and Kristian into the crowd. Students were dancing and laughing, savoring the last year of school. It’ll be our last moments being here. We wouldn’t even notice that the next day it’ll be our graduation ceremony already, that maybe tomorrow would be the last day that I’ll see everyone’s faces.
James and I will probably fly to Manhattan and attend university. I will be one of the greatest lawyers in the country, while James will pursue his passion in music. We will live in a small apartment together and buy ourselves a dog, just like what we always wanted.
But funny that those were all promises, can easily be fulfilled but can easily be broken too.
“Sure you’re okay?” I felt Dominique nudged my elbow when we exited the school gym.
Prom already ended and James didn’t show up. He broke his promise to me and I don’t have any idea where he was. Of course, I’m not okay. I’m far from being okay.
“I’m fine,” I nodded at him and gave a smile. He patted my head and we continued walking towards the front gate. My feet still hurt from all the dancing we did awhile ago.
At least Dom and Kristian made this night fun and bearable. At least, I was legitimately having fun watching their awkward dance moves. I didn’t know that Kristian was also a very goofy guy. I just wish the gods would make a way for these two to end up together.
“I messaged my dad to pick me up here at the front gate. He probably wouldn’t be that long,” I told them while I was massaging my neck. I feel so tired that I really want to jump into bed already.
“We’ll wait with you before your dad arrives. With a dress like that, people could be scary,” Kristian said and pointed at my exposed back.
I rolled my eyes away from him and punched his shoulder playfully, “I don’t need a man to protect me. Thank you very much.”
All three of us laughed and waited for my dad. Kristian and Dominique kept on joking around that we didn’t even notice that he was already here.
“Thanks for tonight. Are you sure you two don’t want a lift?” I offered for the second time as we walked closer to my dad’s car.
Dominique was about to answer back when Kristian snaked his arm around his shoulder, “Nope because this guy needs a walk. I saw you two eating almost half of the buffet table and I don’t want him to have a big belly.”
I saw Dom flinched when Kristian touched his stomach all of a sudden, making me raise an eyebrow. These two looked really cute together, I just wish a miracle would happen tonight and he’ll finally confess.
Waving them goodbye, I entered Dad’s car. I gave him a small peck on his right cheek and sat on the front seat beside him. He was silent in the entire drive, his hazelnut eyes focused on the road. I tried to start a conversation with him but my tongue kept on holding back. I knew that if I started talking to him, he will always bring him up in the surface.
And I was right when I asked him about Mom instead, “James ditched you, right?”
I slumped down, trying my best to be swallowed by my seat. This night was already awful and I don’t want to hear him saying, “I told you so. I knew that he’s nothing but trouble.”
He already knew what happened with James and I before we got back together on my birthday. James arrived at my party with his guitar slung on his back, almost begging for my forgiveness.
Dad didn’t ask anymore questions about him or even about the whole prom. He just continued focusing on the road as lights from the streets flooded the whole vehicle. And as we drive closer to home, my heart started to beat erratically when I saw a boy standing in front of our house. His coat was unbuttoned and hopelessness was written all over his face.
“I’ll talk to him, Dad,” I pleaded and wished that he wouldn’t start throwing punches just like the last time. He seemed to agree when he headed towards the house instead of storming at his face.
Cold breeze blew and sent shivers down my bared back. He ran towards me with that same face he always wears when he did something unforgivable. I knew that face so much because I always got fooled by it.
“I’m sorry I didn’t make it,” he apologized as he reached for both of my hands. “I’m sure I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”
I pulled my hands away from him and slowly walked towards our house, my heels clicking at the cobblestoned sidewalk.
“Betty…” he called that made me stop from walking. I miss him calling me by that name. He is the only one that calls me that. He never calls me ‘Elisa’ or even ‘Elisabeth’. He said that whenever I hear the name ‘Betty’, he is the only person that’ll pop in my head.
“Don’t call me that,” I said, now hating that stupid name he gave me. Whenever I hear Betty, I only remember the hundredth times he asks for my forgiveness, the countless episodes of pleading and taking me for granted.
“Where were you?” I asked as tears now starting to stream down my face. I could see the hesitation in his eyes after that question. “For fuck’s sake, just be honest with me, James!”
“She needed me,” he said, his voice dancing with the cold wind blowing. “Inez needed me.”
After hearing her name, everything blanked. It was like every single thing went silent and my tearing heart was the only one screaming. Everything went blurry when tears started to flood out. I couldn’t run away from where I am standing and the only thing that I could do was stare at him in disappointment.
He was about to explain once more before I slap him across the face.
“Do you ever wonder how broken I was when I found out what you did? I almost didn’t eat for two weeks. I didn’t have the energy to go to school when the rumor started spreading. And you know what’s worse? After everything that you did to me, I couldn’t stop myself from loving you.
“But James, I won’t fight for this love anymore if you don’t want to meet me halfway. Broken promises from you are all I have right now. I am trying to teach myself that you would give me something else, that you would prove to me that you are not all lies. Yet you still gave nothing and I am sick of it.”
My knees were about to collapse but I managed to walk away. Leaving him there at the sidewalk, not even hearing the side of his story. I’ve had enough with this never-ending cycle of trust and betrayal, of mistakes and forgiveness. I don’t want to trap myself from loving a person without clear intentions of having me.
I would rather have him losing me than him choosing between two girls he cares and loves. It’s funny that people always assume that I don’t know anything because I was still young. But it’s not all about knowing everything; it’s all about knowing enough.
Knowing enough to keep yourself from drowning, to wander around a labyrinth without getting lost, or to love someone without losing a huge part of you.
And my own self isn’t something worth losing.
end.
How was it? Send a comment hihi -A.
just bite the apple. 